Head bugs...

I was working with a student today - a very cute and lisping little girl - when, horror of horrors, I saw a live head louse climbing up a strand of hair. It is very difficult to concentrate on the task at hand after such an experience, and I must admit that the productivity level dropped a little after the sighting. Further (surreptitious) inspection revealed many more delightful creepy-crawlies, and dozens of unhatched eggs. Eeeooowww. Poor little mite - she was furiously scratching her head, I was trying to avoid being jumped upon by an energetic head bug, and the lesson went right out the window. I had to report the infestation to the teacher, as per school policy, and Miss Moppet had to go home to be de-loused. Children can be really gross sometimes, and often through no fault of their own!!

On my soapbox.

It's time for me to have a bit of a rant and a rave, Loyal Readers. 'About what?' you may ask. World hunger? The war in Iraq? Political corruption?? If I were to start on any of these topics, I may well still be here, venting my spleen, a year into the future. No, what I want to talk about today is a matter closer to my heart - the internationally adopted child.

In recent years, international adoption (or IA, if you are in the know) has become a bit trendy. After all, Madonna has done it, so has Meg, and Angelina has become a veritable icon of IA. These celebrities make it all seem so easy. They jet off to the country of their choice, select a cute and cuddly baby, head home and get back on with life and making movies. Sure, this may be a a bit of a generalisation, but it happens. And it is so destructive for the poor child involved. Celebrities aside, IA has become almost a fashion item in recent years. Infertile? We can help! Here, come to China and we will give you the daughter of your dreams!! At last you will be one big, happy family.... Sadly, this is frequently not the case. Misinformation about IA, fed to prospective adoptive parents can harm that child, and their family. These children are NOT waiting for us. They don't even know that we exist. They are living their lives, day by day, in the only 'home' they have ever known, be it an orphanage or foster home. Then, one day out of the blue, strangers come. They look funny, have pale skin and a big nose, they smell funny and even talk funny. The child is scared - terrified even - of these strangers. Then it gets worse -these strange looking people take the baby away from all it has ever known - all the familiar sounds, smells and sights of their formative first months. And often, these people expect their new baby to be happy to be with them - delighted by the fact that they finally have a family. WRONG!!! More than likely, this child will be terrified and grieving. It will take many, many days, months, and even years for this child to learn to trust again. Not only have they experienced the initial trauma of being separated from their birth mother, but they have endured this second separation, going to a life thousands of miles away which is completely alien to them.

And what do we do with these children when we get them home? We throw big welcome home parties for them, full of noise and LOTS of scary people. We go back to work and put them in full-time daycare, before they have even had the slightest chance to adjust to their new life. We drag them out to playgroups and proudly show them off to the other mums whilst the terrified child fights to remain calm in an overwhelmingly foreign situation. WE DO ALL THESE THINGS WRONG!!!! The end result - possibly (even probably) a child who will at some point during their life, experience attachment problems.

So what SHOULD we be doing?? We should be reading about attachment and all related issues - post-traumatic stress disorder, sensory disorders, reactive attachment disorder and the like. Our children probably won't fall into these severely affected categories, but we should be parenting them as if they MIGHT. Attachment parenting is very different from parenting a biological child, and is frequently seen by those outside the IA community as the parent indulging or spoiling the child. But this is not the case. These precious children have experienced so much trauma. They need to be taken back, and regressed to their infant selves. They need to be cuddled, carried and fed by their primary caregiver, and ONLY their primary caregiver. There should be no big parties or overly-huggy grandmothers passing the child from pillar to post. The child should be given every opportunity to form a strong and loving bond with their primary care-giver and this takes time and a great deal of commitment. Sure, toes are going to be stepped upon. Grandparents are going to ask why they can't hold the baby. Aunties and uncles will want to know the reason behind you still bottle-feeding a two year old. But you know what - it's not their baby. It is your baby, and you are resposbible for it's well-being and upbringing. It is all about the child - not the grandparents, cousins or neighbours who may feel miffed about 'missing out' on cuddles.

So, Loyal Readers, I hope you have enjoyed my rave. I am not judging anyone, or condemning anyone for their parenting techniques. I am only trying to give voice to a child who has none - your child is precious, you have waited a long time for them, and the least you can do is be the best possible parent to that child, no matter what other people think.

Is it Sunday already??

Man, this week has flown. Sorry Loyal Readers that I have been so slack in my posting, but I have had a pretty frantic week. Kids are back at school, which means I am back at work, so getting back into the early morning-get ready-catch the bus scenario has taken its toll. On top of all this, much of my time this week was taken up by buying my lovely new (well, new to me!) car. I feel very spoiled and indeed fortunate that my DH made this possible. Since my previous car was a teensy-weeny hatch back, we thought that another, slightly larger car would be needed for our impending arrival - three kids in a minuscule hatch back, one of whom is in a car seat, just doesn't work. We weren't really looking to replace it so soon, but my dear friend Susan mentioned to me on Wednesday that she had seen a particular car at a local car yard that I may be interested in. Well, I toodled up to the car yard to have a look and, low and behold, it was PERFECT! Took it home the next day for a test drive and basically just kept it! Check out the piccie - it's an 18month old Honda Odyssey seven seater. And my favourite thing about it? Has to be the heated leather seats. Just yummy on these cold winter mornings....

Aside from being very spoiled with a lovely new car, this week was marked by our 19month LID anniversary - 19 long months since our file went to China. On the Rumour Queen site this morning, it was exciting to see that our LID date of the 22nd was actually being talked about quite a bit. See, we not only managed to get our file to China in the busiest month EVER, but our logged in day is the most ENORMOUS day in terms of numbers of files. Typical.... Anyway, the rumours have it that our group will receive it's referrals in early September. If this is the case, I will have a very special birthday indeed, and DH may well celebrate Father's Day as a dad-of-three!! Keep watching this spot for further updates. Hopefully we are only about 10 weeks away from referral now, and that is making me kinda excited!

A drab sort of nothing day..

Aside from a lovely couple of hours spent this morning with a good friend in a warm coffee shop, today is shaping up to be a bit of a non-event. There aren't even any good rumours out there about the next round of allocations. Mind you, there is a nasty murmuring on the RQ site that the next lot of referrals may only cover two days (now haven't I heard that before??) but I am choosing to ignore that until further notice. So ho hum, twiddle my thumbs, I feel my life is slipping away and that I am being completely non-productive. When my DS and DD were little, and they were at home full time, I didn't feel this way. Sure, some days were hellishly frustrating and even mind-numbingly boring, but I always had a PURPOSE. There were noses to be wiped, nappies to be changed, games to be played, playgroups to attend and all that baby-related stuff. Now that they are both big school kids, my 'mum' role is much reduced. I feel that I am just filling in time until Alice arrives and I can start all over again. Some may call me mad (several of my close relatives, in fact) but to me, there is nothing more rewarding than a little person who thinks you are the best thing in the world, and who wants to be with you all the time. It's that sort of stuff which makes being a mum so much more rewarding than any other job I have ever done - it may be 24/7, the pay may be crap, and you have to do some pretty awful things (cleaning up vomit is high on my list of grossest jobs) but when it all comes down to it, you are caring for a very special little person. A little person who depends on you for their every need, and who loves you more than anything. Now that's awesome. I can't wait to do it all over again....

Our new room

I have promised some of my November buddies on the RQ site that I would post some pics of the girls' big new room - enjoy!

Hi, my name is Cristina..

and I am a chocoholic. It has been almost three days since my last chocolate binge, and I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! See, I have been so good for those entire three days, that I deserve a reward - and what would be more fitting than an entire block of Cadbury's??? I am I guess what you would call an 'all or nothing' type of girl. I can't just eat one row of chocolate, or one small bar of chocolate. Nope, once I get a taste for it, the raging chocoholic within awakes and no chocolate within a twenty mile radius is safe. Perhaps if I walk the dogs for half an hour, THEN I can have some choccy....... Any helpful hints on how to take my mind of this all-consuming desire to eat all the chocolate in Tasmania??

Saturday morning shopping...

I had to tackle the grocery shopping today - a thankless task at the best of times, but with a sinus infection, thick head and a red and shiny nose, it was the LAST thing on earth I felt like doing. My family however, for some strange reason, feels they are entitled to a meal or two over the weekend, so off to the supermarket I did stagger. One tortuous hour and $197.18 later, I emerged from said supermarket, feeling anxiety-ridden and truly gross. Then, I had to go to the bakery to get some rolls for lunch. It is here that my tale takes a frightening and deeply embarrassing turn. In I walk, all snotty-nosed and feeling wretched, and who should be standing at the counter but CM, the boy I wasted 4 years of high school on, indulging in a passionate, yet very one-sided romance. He was a 'cool' boy, I was a dork. He had beautiful blonde hair, permed into a gentle mullet at the back, as did all cool boys in the 80's. He was the star of the basketball and football teams, and I was so blinded by love for him that I wasted many, many hours sobbing in my room, playing Lionel Richie's "Hello' and pining for what should have been. Fast forward 20 years, and here we are, face to face in the bakery. Loyal readers, you would have been proud of me - I talked rationally, congratulated him on the recent birth of his twin daughters, and chatted politely for a few minutes. I then went out to the car and looked in the rear-view mirror - AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!! I looked DISGUSTING!!! I know that I should be above all things superficial at this stage in my life, but I simply could not believe it. My first encounter with this boy (man) since 1987, and I looked like CRAP!!! Oh dear. At least I realised that I'm not in love with him any more.....Here's to unrequited love and bad 80's love ballads - may they never darken my emotional doorstep again.

They are home!!!!

It is with much excitement and great joy that I can finally announce - MY PIGLETS ARE HOME!!!!! I could hardly sleep on Wednesday night, thinking about them arriving the next day, worrying about them, hoping they still loved me (pathetic, I know...) I arrived at the airport at least half an hour too early but thankfully the flight was on time. Of course, they were the very last off the plane (my mum has this 'thing' about coming off last - go figure) and I was just so thrilled to see them step off onto solid ground! DS came running across the tarmac, dragging his little Batman suitcase behind him, to give me a huge hug whilst DD was slightly more restrained, but still very pleased to see me. I know they have only been gone a bit less that two weeks, but it seems like a lifetime since I last saw them. The rest of yesterday was spent unpacking suitcases, oohing and ahhing over the various things they had bought me, and making up for my severe hug deficit. This morning, I had one sleepy piglet come into bed (woken by the sound of DH pounding away on the treadmill) and snuggle with me for quite sometime. Bliss. I can hardly wait until my third little piglet is here with us - still waiting for you baby....

Early rumours

"Rumors
June 13th, 2007
A fairly reliable source is saying that November 21st should get their referral in August or September.

The same source is saying the next batch of referrals will be a similar size to the previous batch. They do not say if they are judging size by days referred or number of referrals.

Another source is saying the next batch will be a larger batch than we’ve been seeing."

I have pinched the above from the Rumour Queen site, hence all the American spelling 'mistakes' (please forgive me RQ!) Nothing really all that astounding, and it would mean we are still pretty much on track for a September referral (or maybe October??) Will this infernal wait ever end???? On a brighter note, in exactly one hour and four minutes my darling piglets will be stepping of the plane and back onto Tassie soil - YAY!!!! I simply cannot wait to catch up on all the hugs and kisses I have missed over the past 11 days. Mmmm, 11 days - sure seems like MUCH longer!

Ladybirds in the Mail

You know how it is - you have PMT, the DH is stressed about work and you end up having a silly fight before he leaves in the morning, you are feeling generally low and crappy. And then something unexpected happens to make you realise that the world isn't such a bad place after all. After a morning pretty much exactly as I have just described, I was feeling pretty miserable. My piglets were still not home, and my Alice baby was still in China. I went to check the mail, and instead of the usual boring advertising material and (worse still) bills, there was a little package from my dear freind Nicky in Queensland. Nicky and I met waaayyy back in the early 90's when we were suffering through Ancient Civs together at Uni. We shared many good times, cups of Red Zinger tea (whilst I smoked...yuk) and were very close mates. In 1993 Nicky and her husband moved to Queensland and we have been corresponcence buddies ever since. In that time, she has had a baby (no longer a baby, but a gorgeous almost- teenager) and I have had two, soon to be three. Our lives have meandered and changed, on occasion taking turns for the worse, and abounding in joy on others. Here we are 14 years later, and I get this little package. Inside are four exquisite woodedn ladybirds and a very special note. Nicky has had these ladybirds for many years, given to her as a gift. She had been reading this blog, and realised the significance of the ladybird for us poor tortured souls undergoing adoption from China, and sent them to find a new home with me. I am unbelievably touched by this gesture from my friend - to think of me, and send her love in such a beautiful way. Good friends are hard to find in this world, and when you do stumble across them, you must hold them tight, even if the miles separate you. So thank you Nicky - thank you for being my mate, who has stood by me (in body and in spirit) over the last decade and a half. You have just made my day!

Counting the Days

It has now been nine days since my piglets left me. It seems like a lifetime. Only nine little days, yet they have stretched out forever. During those nine days, they have experienced so many new things - a new culture and it's food, new people, new places, new sights and smells. During the same nine days, I have pined pathetically and missed them more that I ever imagined I would. Sure, it has been nice being 'kid-free'. DH and I have had available to us a degree of impulsiveness and spontaneity that we haven't experienced since the halcyon days of University. Have we taken advantage of this newly discovered freedom?? Aside from our jaunt to Glencoe (see post below) sadly, no. I have allowed myself the luxury of the odd sleep-in, but aside from that, it has pretty much been business as usual, except for the clamouring silence which seems to envelop the house once DH goes to work.... So, as of today, it is only two more sleeps until I get to hold my piglets again, and shower them with hugs and kisses. I am sure that, even in the space of just nine days, they will have changed. Maybe they will be a little taller, a lot more suntanned, and I am sure that this wonderful experience of travelling overseas will have widened their horizons and opened their eyes to the amazing world around us. But, changes aside, they are still my little piglets, and I can't wait to hold them once again.

Sick...

I know I have been very slack in posting for the past few days, but I have a good excuse - I am feeling INCREDIBLY lousy with a vile head cold. I think my evening of decadence (see post below) was too much for my delicate system, and I have got the worst cold I have had in a long time. As a consequence, all my plans for my 'kid free time' seem to have flown right out the window. Big spring cleaning session around the house, catching up on my Mandarin homework, exercising every day (snort, guffaw), mucking out the chook shed.... I have accomplished none of these. In fact, all I seem to have managed to achieve is a few more hours sleep during the daytime, and a couple of extra kilos (comfort eating whilst sick - I highly recommend it). So, all in all, I look like death, my head feels as if it is stuffed with green cotton wool, and everything aches. And you know the worst thing about it all?? Every time DH gets a cold (the incredibly virulent strain known as The Man Cold) I hassle him so much about being a complete sissy, that I can't let on how crappy I really feel. If I do, I will be accused of being a wuss. I really have done myself a disservice. Mental note - next time DH is sick, be a bit more inclined to dish out sympathy instead of cynicism.

An evening of decadence

Last night my DH treated me to a spectacularly lavish and opulent night away. What a treat!! Seriously, we NEVER do stuff like this, which made it all the sweeter. Since the DS and DD are safely occupied in Hong Kong with my parents, DH thought it would be the perfect opportunity for us to escape reality for a brief period and indulge ourselves in some mindless luxury. We motored up the road (in DH's sporty new boy-toy vehicle) to Glencoe B&B, about 20 minutes from our home, in the shadow of spectacular Mt Roland. Glencoe is operated by two French ex-pats, Ginette and Remi. Remi used to be a chef at the Ritz in Paris, and specialises in slow-cooking. YUM!! We arrived at about five pm, lazed about in the cosy guest lounge until we were called to dinner at seven. The menu is unique in that you don't choose what you are eating - Remi surprises you with a three course French feast extraordinaire. We started out with an entree of turkey terrine, served with ginger and pear chutney, and a fresh Waldorf salad on the side. Main course was slow-cooked beef shanks in a red wine gravy, mashed spuds and a gorgeous spinach and mushroom compote. Finally, we were treated to a luscious dessert of baked apples with lavender and fresh honeycomb. Have I made you all ravenously hungry yet??? We met up with another couple, Joy and Andrew, who were over from Melbourne for the weekend, and we whiled away the evening in the guest lounge, chatting and sipping a very tasty 2002 Stoney Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon. We toddled off to bed at about 10.30, and woke up very well-rested in our gorgeous French-inspired room. So if you are ever in Tassie, and are looking for a truly special place to spoil yourself for a night or two, give Ginette and Remi a call - you won't be disappointed!

Confirmation.

The CCAA (China Centre for Adoption Affairs) updated their website yesterday to reflect the latest round of referrals. As expected (and feared) they only made it through to November 7th. SIX LOUSY DAYS (one of which was a Sunday, with no files logged in). ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Now is the time to drag out that hoary old chestnut about being on a slow boat to China. By my reckoning, we may be looking at (gulp) September now for our referral. Mind you, Rumour Queen (all hail Your Majesty!) posted a table this morning with good, bad and horrid scenarios, and our 'horrid' scenario puts us at a NOVEMBER referral. Two years from when our file went to China. When you consider that, at the time our file left in November 2005, referrals were taking a bit less than six months, you can see where my frustration is coming from. I know that it is all in God's hands, and that His timing is perfect, but man I am sick of this emotional roller coaster.

For anyone who would like to email me, I have updated my profile and my email link is in there. I would love to hear from you all (or, as my Yankie friends would say, 'y'all')

I'm so excited!!!

THE REFERRALS ARE HERE!!!!!! And they didn't only cover a two day period!!! By the looks of it, people with referrals up to and including the 7th November are IN - but the 11th is OUT. So where does that put us??? With an LID of the 22nd November, we are 14 little days away. The $64,000 question, however, is how long will it take the CCAA to get through those 14 days???? I am thinking we will probably hear our super-fantastic news in August, with September being the worst-case scenario. But it is entirely possible that it may take less or more time. Aah, the vagaries and frustrations of international adoption...
Anyway, a big

to all my early November buddies who have made it this time: km98,caleeo,lilymakes5,pchelnyk,joei,boonewong,michelleoetjen, Bonybankhart,lucky#7, woopig, pinkpunch, Misterbean, frustrated, waiting2bmommy, revdaddy, Mom42B, Frankie, cutiepatootie, and Elisa P. I can hardly wait to see the pictures of your bonny babes, and experience vicarious pleasure in knowing that my time will come!

Some random meanderings.

Hidey ho all. It has been a couple of days since I last posted, due to

a) being heinously sad over the fact that my piglets are overseas and
b) because I had nothing particularly interesting to say.

However, I was just surfing through a few of the Blogs I have favourited on my computer, and found this questionnaire (thanks Trace7!) so I thought I would waste a few of my numerous spare minutes and fill it in. Enjoy!

FOODOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Paul Newman's balsamic Vinegar - yummy! Plus all profit goes to children's charities.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? None (I have a pathological hatred of fast food outlets)

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? The Deck. Gorgeous views (right on the river) and a steak that you would kill for. Going there for lunch today with DH for some super sushi.

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? not applicable here in Tassie - tipping is pretty much an exclusively Yankie thing to do.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Cadbury's dairy milk chocolate, anything from the Deck (see above).

What is your favorite type of gum? Juicy fruit.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer? It changes every three minutes as I don't like to be bored! Currently it is a vase of gerberas.

How many televisions are in your house? Two (but only one works!)

How do you listen to music? CD's, radio stations (ABC Classic FM is my choice station at the moment)

BIOLOGY

What’s your best feature? Mmmm, that's a hard one. My teeth maybe???

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? An IUD, about three minutes after it was inserted (apologies to anyone who has been grossed out by this gratuitous information).

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Smell

When was the last time you had a cavity? About five years ago . Amazing really, given my massive daily chocolate intake.

What is the heaviest item you lifted last? A bag of chook pellets for the mangy and non-egg-laying chickens.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? yep - hit in the head with a softball in grade 8 when I was playing short-stop.

BULLSHITOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope.

Is love for real? Of course! I live it every day with my fantastic husband and gorgeous kids.

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? When I was a kid I always wanted to be called Sandy, like the blond boy out of Flipper. These days, I think I am pretty happy with what I have.

What color do you think looks best on you? Pink.

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? When I was a kid I swallowed a fifty cent piece, which caused my parents some alarm.

Have you ever saved someone’s life? Not that I am aware of.

Has someone ever saved yours? yes, my friend Faith who showed me the way to God.

DAREOLOGY

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Tax free? NO WAY!!!!


Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Maybe for a bit more money than that.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? I don't think so!

Would you never blog again for $50,000? Oooh, it would be hard but maybe yes.

Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000? Once again, NO!! I really don't think the world needs to be inflicted with pictures of my naked self.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? I would give it a go.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Easy. Giving up the computer, however, would be a very different story....

DUMBOLOGY:

What is in your left pocket? A bit of fluff and an unidentifiable piece of silver paper (probably chocolate wrapper)

Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Never heard of it (does that mean I fail or pass the dumbology section???)

Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? carpet and cork tiles in the wet areas. But bloody carpet in the bathrooms - this is what happens when you buy your house from two gay guys!! Carpet in bathrooms and kids just DOES NOT work.

Do you sit or stand in the shower? Stand. I must admit I have never even thought of sitting in the shower.

Could you live with roommates? I have done in the past, but gave it up as a bad job when my roommate during second year Uni had sex with my dog (not joking about this one...)

How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? None.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Does a fight with my sister when she was a copper count??

What do you want to be when you grow up? Grow up - NEVER!!!

Last friend you talked to? Alison.

Last person you called? My mum's best friend, Petah, to help her with some computer hassles she is having.

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning? The computer room, of course!

What can you not wait to do? Hear news of our new baby from China.

What's the last movie you saw? In the theatre - Becoming Jane. At home - The Devil Wears Prada.

Leaving on a jet plane....

At 5am today, the alarm went off and I awoke with a feeling of dread and nervous anticipation. Today was the day that I had to put my two darling kids onto a plane and say goodbye for 12 days. TWELVE DAYS!!!! This is the longest I have ever been away from them, and already my heart is breaking. As any of you who know me personally will realise, I have a morbid fear of flying, to the point of needing to be drugged out whilst on an aeroplane. So to put the two things that mean more to me than life itself onto a flying tube of death was very, very difficult. I have cried bucketloads of tears, and feel very bereft without them. The house is just so quiet......
I must be going, as today we have another very sad farewell. Our dear Pastor David is delivering his final sermon at our church today, before he and his family move to Newcastle, New South Wales. He has been a real inspiration to us all, and we will miss him terribly. Well, I am off to have a bit more of a cry - for all of you out there with kids, give them an extra hug today, and let them know how much you love them.

All hail somewhereoverchina!!!

Very early this morning (3 am, to be precise) I was lying in bed, battling the insomnia demon, when I decided to go to the computer and check to see if referrals had, by some miracle, been posted (they hadn't, by the way). Anyhoo, I noticed a message in my in-box from a VERY lovely person from the Rumour Queen site, screen-named 'somewhereoverchina'. This fabulous and very kind person was just emailing to let me know that there are (free) software programmes that can be downloaded from the Web which enable you to recover deleted images on digital cameras. Hurrah!!! I searched the Web, found a programme, and now all my kids' action shots from the kung fu competition last week are safe and sound on my hard drive. Thank you so much somehwereoverchina - you really are a legend.

TWO DAYS????????!!!!!!!

I have just dragged myself out of bed far too early, in the hope (once again) that referrals would have been posted to the US or Europe overnight. All I see on Rumour Queen is the thoroughly nauseating news that a European agency is reporting two days worth of referrals. Yup, that's right folks - TWO LOUSY, STINKING, ROTTEN, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DAYS!!!! It is still only an R1 rumour at the moment (ie: doesn't hold too much weight) but I am just gutted. If it is true, with an LID of November 22nd, we still may be months away from our little Alice. OK - off to cry me a river now, and probably have a bit of a barf....