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Wednesday, April 30

A Bad Evening

Well, this attachment business sure is two steps forward, one step back. Tonight, in fact, Alice took a gigantic LEAP backwards and had the biggest, longest rage she has had since we started the attachment therapy. It all began at around 6, when we wandered into DS's bedroom. She was a bit scratchy, so I thought that perhaps she would find one of the hermit crabs entertaining. WRONG!!!! I got the little guy out of the tank, set him on the floor and he began walking around. Alice freaked out and completely lost the plot. I hastily put the crab not-so-gently back into its tank, and whisked Alice off to her room for some mummy-comfort. I cuddled her, trying to soothe her , and she fought like a wildcat. I continued to hold her (as the therapist says I should) and for the next hour she screamed, raged, spat, threw her arms and legs, arched her back and tried every trick she could think of to get away from me. And you know what? The whole time, there was not a tear in sight. It was pure rage, anger and frustration at being not able to control her circumstances. It was very demoralising, and even more so when I twigged to the fact that she would settle when she shut her eyes, but as soon as she opened them and made eye contact with me, she started screaming even harder than before. It was as if her little brain was saying 'Oh crap, not you STILL!! Where's my REAL mum???' So, after over an hour, she finally calmed. I still have a ringing sensation in my right ear from the mega-decibel abuse it has received, and Alice is asleep, although very restless. I think we may be in for a bad night. So I guess the moral to this tale is that attachment is a LOOOONG process, and you can't get too complacent about it, 'cos just when you think you are making progress, Mr Murphy comes along and slams the door in your face. Goodnight all - I am off for (another) restorative glass of wine....

PS - the photo was taken earlier in the day when she was throwing a tantrum about something her big sister did, but I thought it was an appropriate shot for this post!


Louanne said...

HUGS to you my friend. I am sorry you had such a rough night. I hope that things get better soon.

mumma to many said...

Life is like that!
Having had my rager 12.5 years ago land on my door step I know exactly what you are saying! He still has issues and will forever I feel and that is about the initial wound that they have suffered!
Life is about seeing them beofre the meltdowns and try to divert however the progress made with a major meltdown is huge!
So hang in there is doesn't get easier just different and it is about our learning too! :)
Hugs Ruth in NZ

Maree said...

Alice's real mummy is the long suffering woman who holds her as she screams and rages and cares so deeply for her wellbeing that she is prepared to put her whole life on hold to ensure that Alice grows up being loved. It is hard going but so so worth it. Keep your chin up and know that support is never far away. Hugs and kisses

Anonymous said...

I agree with maree...you are Alice's real mom...think of it this way, she feels safe enough with you to express her true feelings...It is rough for the both of you...but she will come around and grab on to you even tighter because she knows she has you and that you will always be there for her...lots of hugs. CTG
And you are right..attachment is a process....going through this with my Natalie as well..just she is not as verbal about her feelings as Miss Alice..its tough...but one day at a time..

OziMum said...

Does Mr Murphy hang in your shadow too?!! I hate Mr Murphy, he's never nice to me, either.

Wow. Alice's rage is so full-on. You are a ROCK, Cristina. I hope you see some big breakthroughs in the therapy soon. (10 steps forward, one little slip back, maybe?!)